


Secrets and lies don't do you any favours

by El_Red



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 09:43:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17444492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/El_Red/pseuds/El_Red
Summary: River wasn't supposed to get out of the library, no matter how hard the Doctor wished it. So, when she did, things went spiraling out of control. With no one but herself to blame the Doctor is left alone in a stubborn TARDIS stewing through what might have gone wrongSorry, idk how to summary.





	Secrets and lies don't do you any favours

The whole situation was a mess.

River had come back., She had escaped from the library by some miracle and the Doctor, in a fit of fear and grief, had lied to her. And was found out, her wife reacted badly and they had a row worse than ever before, River's anger bouncing off the TARDIS walls once she had put two and two together, figured out who she was. The harsh smack that had left the Doctor's face pink and the way the door slammed when she was left alone in her tardis rang through her head and kept her alert with regret. They were back to rule 1, and It had broken them.

\-----------

It had been eleven days, three hours, and 28 minutes. The Doctor looked around the room. She was tired. Her wife had left again and she wanted to get as far away as possible, leave her to her sorrows where she could leave and get almost killed by some evil aliens, maybe even punch someone. The tardis however, seemed to have other plans.  
“Why won't you move!” She all but screamed looking around wildly, lack of sleep making her seem manic, whirling round the ship in a frenzy. Hair frizzled about her jaw, clinging to the sticky tracks of her almost dry tears. She hit the console hard, not even wincing at the pain.  
“Move! Please! You have to, you don't understand, She doesn't want me here, she doesn't want... she doesn't-” the Doctor fell to her knees, choking on tears sprung from already tired eyes. Her wife hates her. She hates her and she could've stopped it if she hadn't been so stupid.

Once the sobs had slowed down to just a constant stream of tears, she sat back on her heels and wondered exactly why River had reacted so badly, apart from the obvious. Maybe it was the face, this face was a lot more open, trusting, trustworthy maybe it was that River thought she had found someone else in the universe and it was just her, it wasn't true. Gods she fucked up. And she can't even leave. She has to leave.

She threw herself at the console, her body shaking with effort and determination.  
“ We are going to leave. My choice.”  
Of course they were, she was the Doctor, the oncoming storm, bringer of darkness, she was going to run away from her marriage dispute and wife’s anger until when she had sufficiently calmed down and was prepared to talk to River, that or when she couldn't bear it anymore and came crawling back. The latter felt like it would come quite soon if she didn't start away. She fell back onto the console with a new motivation, mouth set in a hard line and eyes steely and cold. The tardis made a noise of indignation, then of warning, and finally panic. And the Doctor was thrown across the room, slamming hard into the wall and slumping at the base. Unconscious.

\----------

River paced her study. The tardis had yet to leave and she would be lying if she said it didn't worry her. The Doctor hadn't left the ship either and neither machine nor idiotic gallifreyan had tried to communicate with her since she had stormed out 11 days ago. She wondered briefly if the Doctor was hurt in any way, but reasoned that the tardis would have told her if so. Later she thought that maybe the Doctor could be waiting her out, but the Timelord definitely didn't have enough patience.

She sighed and sat down, it was no use worrying over that woman, she would come and find her when she was ready, a well rehearsed apology on her lips-that River would accept graciously but not without at least one pointed glare intended for guilt-and they would never speak of it again.

It was just getting dark when the tardis cried out to her, the urgency in the ships plea so unusual it was startling. A cry for help. She stopped what she was doing, rushed out of the house to the ship and stopped, teetering unsurely on the threshold, and went in when the door opened for her. 

The first thing she saw was the mess of wires and parts around the console, jumbled around in no order, as if a child had taken a box, turned it upside down and shook it, sending the contents falling haphazardly to the floor. She narrowed her eyes. That wasn't like the Doctor, no matter how scatterbrained he had been throughout the years he had always kept the tardis in some sort of order. She scanned the rest of the room, almost missing the dark heap against a far wall.

The doctor was sprawled on the floor, hair mussed and caked with dried blood, a trail of it followed her path down the wall from her impact. River's breath hitched. She checked for a pulse, then again. Two. Good. Not dead then, thank god. she learnt forward, gathered the blonde in her arms and lifted her easily, bridal style into the air. River hadn't had much experience carrying the Doctor with this face but she was sure she wasn't supposed to be anywhere near this light. The Doctor's head lolled back in her arms exposing her throat, pale except for eight harsh red lines from jaw to collar bones that looked to have been left by fingernails. River swallowed hard and carried her towards the med bay, desperately trying not to focus on how the knuckles that lay across the doctor's stomach were cracked and scabbed, blood leaking from a reopened wound. Her wife had fallen apart.

\----------

When the Doctor woke up, the first thing she registered was the dull throbbing in the back of her head. Then that she was warm, and in bed, and her hand was bound. Shit. She sat up, a wave of nausea hitting her like a freight train and making it impossible to open her eyes.  
“Slow down sweetie! You're safe, it's just me, You are in the tardis medbay, don't worry!” a hand touched her shoulder lightly, retreating quickly when she flinched out of reach. No. She would know that voice anywhere. Why was River here? River was supposed to be mad at her? She forced open her eyes and the room slowly span into a hazy focus, lights harsh against her pulsing headache.

River was moving around again, the Doctor dragged her eyes from her wife's silhouette and stared at her hands in her lap, picking at her new bandage. River was supposed to hate her, she had every right too, how bad was she that River had forgotten to be angry? She shouldn't have too, hasn't she noticed how much she had lost because of the Doctor already? why would she stop being angry at the person who was supposed to look after her, protect her, but had never stopped hurting her? 

When River returned to her side she held a bowl of soup over the doctor's hands until she took hold of it, Placing the warm ceramic onto her crossed legs and staring at its contents blankly. River tried not to react to the tears falling silently down the doctor's hollow cheeks.

River sighed, the doctor could almost see her rolling her eyes and it made every nerve in her body ache.  
“Eat it.” It was softer than she had expected, but still blunt and left no room for debate, the Doctor briefly imagined refusing but decided against it, she didn’t want River to leave again. Her being there did nothing to ease the thrum of guilt the doctor hadn't stopped feeling but it made everything else more bearable. It was nice, even if she didn't deserve it. She forced herself to eat three spoonfuls before feeling like she was going to throw up and stopping. River sighed again and took the bowl from her, the Doctor could feel the disappointment rolling off her in waves, it made her want to curl up in a ball and die.

\----------

River was worried, of course she was. Not only had the Doctor refused to eat, she didn't seem to be capable of consuming more than she had forced down. Even worse she hadn't looked at River once the entire time she had been awake, instead studiously avoiding glancing anywhere away from her hands. Not to mention the fact that her body was held rigid, not moving a muscle apart from the slow breaths and the gentle blink of her eyes. She may not have known this new face long but this was quite possibly the most bouncy version of her partner yet, even more than bowtie and much more sophisticated, and sad. She was so sad this time around, even before the fight. But normally she wouldn't keep still for more than a second, and here she was, sitting like a statue while River observed. She might have been mistaken for a wax figure had she not been breathing, the slow measured inhales quiet as if she didn't want to be noticed at all. River closed her eyes and willed herself patience. They needed to fix this. As soon as possible. So that she could get her wife back. She ignored the pain in her own hearts and pushed her anger to the side, the Doctor needs her now. Whatever she was feeling could wait until her wife was okay.

\----------

When the Doctor woke up again she first noticed the residual pain lingering in her muscles and at the back of her head, and the distinct lack of River. She had to stop herself from crying out, shooting up from the bed with enough speed to make black dots spin before her eyes as she fell to the floor. 

When the room around her came back into focus she sat up, listening slightly to see if River was coming for her. When she heard nothing she began to cry in earnest, she had promised herself at the beginning of darillium that she would never fuck up this badly with River again, and, for the most part, had kept the promise. She'd never catered for the idea that River would get out of the library, that she would see her again after years of staring at a photograph and remembering the past with a nostalgic mix of pain, love, and regret. River never deserved her, not ever. And now she had made it all the more clear and her wife had finally taken the hint and left her alone. 

\----------

The last thing River had expected when she returned from getting a change of clothes from her house was to find the Doctor sitting in the middle of the floor sobbing harder than River had ever seen her cry before. She rushed forward,  
“Sweetie, what's wrong? Is it your head? I can get you more painkillers”  
The Doctor whirled round to face her with wide eyes.  
“I thought you'd left” it was barely a whisper but the confession was laced with so much pain it made River physically ache. She shook her head, her wife threw herself onto River and wrapped her skinny arms around her neck, burrowing her head into her shoulder and starting to cry once more. This time though, River suspected it was more from relief than the pain she had witnessed before.

“I'm sorry” River felt the words more than heard them, spoken almost shyly into her neck, arms squeezing tighter for a second before the Doctor pulled away completely, both of them missing the warmth. She sniffed, glancing up to River's face and then away again, ashamed. She opened and closed her mouth a few times as if it would help her find the right words, when it didn't she stared hard at the wall, blinking against the frustrated tears. She had cried enough today, now she had to talk.

River watched her patiently, the Doctor had always had a way with words so seeing her partner speechless was something she rarely experienced, and never in this sort of situation. She sat back on her heels, then shifted to mirror her wife's cross-legged position. 

“I’m sorry River” her voice was small but reverent and she looked right at her for the first time, eyes wide and honest and filled with regret.  
“I was being stupid, I didn't know where you were and then once I was sure I didn't want to you be cross with me for lying” she let out a little huff and blushed, looking away for a second, River smiled slightly and waited for her to continue  
“I love you so much, but you are always so guarded around me. Once I knew sort of what you were like when I'm not there. I think I just wanted you to trust me, you know- organically -I wanted to see if you'd like me even if I wasn't 'the Doctor’.” She trailed off, looking away from River's face sheepishly, not daring to witness the storm of emotions in her wife's eyes.  
“I love you River Song. More than the stars themselves.” she whispered, And then she waited.

\----------

River watched her wife, mouth agape and a myriad of thoughts swirling around her head. She simultaneously wanted to slap, kiss, scream at, and hold her wife, who was staring at the floor so hard she might burn a hole right through it. She was back to being still again and River decided right there that that was the worst thing for this doctor to do, sit still. She sighed, opening and closing her mouth a few times before shaking her head in frustration.

She reached out and dragged the doctor towards her, ignoring the tiny sound of surprise and holding her tightly against her chest, trying to find the right words.

“You idiot” the Doctor froze in her arms and she hurried to elaborate.  
“How could you, even for a second, think I wouldn't love you. I'm not irreversibly mad at you, I'm not bored of you, I'm not scared of you - not anymore - and I certainly don't love you any less because of the new face. You are an idiot for thinking that I might.” she said it with such conviction the Doctor seemed to sag in River's arms with relief, her face pushing into the side of her neck and River could feel her smile.  
“ I am sorry, for everything, for doubting you, for being so…” she pulled away again but stayed in her lap, she gestured vaugley at her head and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, scrunching up her face in annoyance at the apparent lack of an adequate description for whatever she was thinking. “I love you so so much and I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.” She looked down again and River laughed lightly at the adorable expression on her wife's face, she kissed the Doctor's forehead and pulled her close again. “I know, I forgive you, always. Just don't lie to me like that again ok?” The Doctor tilted her head to look at River's face, eyes wide and sincere. 

“I promise”  
“Good. I love you.”  
“Good. Will you kiss me?”  
“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I thought it was longer in my head  
> Sorry it's really bad  
> Do tell me if you liked it, hated it, want to print it off so you can burn it.  
> I wanna know


End file.
